Replacements

old tracks created by a new beast.

moonlight from stars while the

moon takes a vacation.

opportunistic eyes.

i need hair dark as night,

eyes that swallow my problems,

fingers touching my soul.

loneliness is not an option.

everyone who climbs out

of love had to climb in.

Calls to the Past

The breakdown of a fortress.

it comes down slow.

the wall I put up

was bull dozed by

illusions of the past

Trembling hands

I dialed

phone buzzed

buzzed

buzzed

then went to voicemail

I sat

hands shaking

I murdered self respect

giving into

up ahead

dead ends.

I sinned once more

it happened again,

I watched my hand grab

the gun and put it

up to my head.

Phone buzzed

buzzed

buzzed

then went to voicemail.

gun shot ammunition

of silence.

what I hoped for and

was afraid of.

I puked twice, once for

each call.

still had the sick feeling.

I turned on Miles making smiles

still had the sick feeling.

I turned on porn

jacked off

still had the sick feeling.

I fell asleep

with trembling hands

and a fortress under construction

bound to break down again

Journal Entry from 10/06/08

This is more or less what I put in my Journal.

Today I went with Megan to see Bill Maher's new movie Religulous. It reminded me of why I believe society is doomed. If religion is fundamentally asserted into American culture, essentially apart of the American dream, than what does that say about America?

It means the fundamentals are corrupt and wrong. However, religion is not a fundamental part of society, or at least wasn't suppose to be. It has quietly snuck in the back door and little by little it has made its way to the front and now it is on the stage running the show.

I rediscovered an idea at the end of the movie that I once possessed and cared for. Religion, just like so much of America, has become more of a circus than a humble belief. They are twisted organizations hellbent on raising revenue instead of helping their fellow man.

Also, I realized that people interested in the circus of religion are desperate for meaning and understanding of their life. People can't stand to not know what is out there or what's in themselves. Fuck you, Your alone.

Random Thoughts on the Political Wasteland of 2008

Its funny... Most Americans don't get excited about choosing who will be the next ruler of the free world. In fact, they don't vote at all. And why should they? They're time is tied down in lustrous gossip and relentless digging in the news to find out who is fucking who in Hollywood. Thank god I say. These people are too stupid for politics anyway. They would show up at the polls on that early November morning, barely having enough energy to tear themselves away from Rachel Ray. When they got there, they would surely break something, and it would probably be our two party system. Then they would leave the polls with a grin on their face not knowing they created history. But they will never show up because they're complacent with letting other people make decisions for them, lazy scum. It takes work to become educated and vote. And that's something that Americans are unwilling to do.

Election day is rapidly approaching. Knowing that American people are simple minded both candidates are smearing shit into the others mouth with negative ads. I think it's great. Lets get some of those dumb redneck fucks who don't know there dick from a hole in the ground to come out and vote on the basis that Obama is a terrorist. Shit, If the only way to get the dumb out is to call your opponent a retard, so be it. All that means is that Obama has to talk enough shit so he can get the crack smuggling city folk to believe that McCain is an old turd that will drop dead at any moment. And after he's dead, we'll have a Jesus freak on our hands.

In dire situations like these I always go to someone for advice. That person is usually Dr. Thompson. After reading some fun Gonzo I came to a passage where Dr. Thompson describes that we should all be proud of our votes when we leave the poll. Will you be proud of your vote in twenty years? It will always bring a smile to my face to know that I voted against that evil bastard George Bush. It will be something I will brag about to my children when they get old enough. I will vote that way again. Obama, you better win or else all bets are off, we will be officially screwed.

I sit down tonight with no real topic to talk about. I just had what I would consider to be my first real fight with my girlfriend. I have a bottle and am swimming in a lake that I have never been in before. I am listening to the doors in my apartment with a bottle, with a computer, with feelings that betray me, with nothing but truth in my heart. I feel alone but am with the only things that will last me forever. Where do I go from here? I guess I will explore that land that so many have been too, but seems so different to those of us that are just arriving. What will become of me once I say goodbye to one lifestyle and commence the next? A job, I suppose. Weird questions flood my mind. It's like the levies broke inside my head and all the inhabitants will be forced to evolve or be killed. What the hell just happened with that girl? Are you capable of love, or will it drive you mad? Were you better off before or after her? The more I think about it the less I know. The more knowledge I acquire the more I realize that there is no answers. I am growing tired of the insistent babbling in my mind, the insistent voice of everyone else telling me what to do. They have no real purpose except to keep me from my path, and believe me, this crime should be punishable to death by eclectic chair. This would only be for our convenience for it would allow us to continue our pathetic lives and dive into more important issues like where the fuck is my wallet?
I would rather destroy all that I know then become apart of that stinky orgy I call conformity. Conformity will destroy all that I know taking what I love and making it everyone else's, either way I'm fucked.

Perfect Start to My B-Day

I step outside to smoke a birthday cigarette. I know they will kill me, but why not? its my birthday. Its 12:08 A.M. I was born later that day some 22 years ago. As I sit patiently smoking, watching the rain my brain turns on. What the Hell, I haven't heard from that bastard for awhile. I'm listening to goodbye's echoed off the apartment walls from nearby girls leaving their boyfriends apartment. I hear car engines turn over, back out, and leave to some unknown destination. The Rain trickles and that smell of being clean drowns out my cigarette. At that moment nothing matters. I am there as an observer, nothing more. Every person, car, railing, chair, everything was exactly were it needed to be. It was a moment of bliss. A moment that has come and gone numerous times in my life. But I always hope it will visit me one more time. You never know when it will come, but when it does you know it has to leave. I thought about many things that night, but after awhile I was tired. I wrestled my way out of the chair and went inside... 22 yrs ago I was born...

The Night We

We were in the same apartment, the same room , the same consciousness, but we were not on the same bed. We sat opposite one another and talked about similarities. We both spoke of the future, and what lies just past the horizon. I was excited because I was graduating. The excitement wasn't because I was done with school, but because I was free again. She spoke of School to come, experiences she couldn't wait to turn into memories. We both spoke of the past, relationships that didn't end when they should have, mistakes we made, mistakes we fixed, and high school. We stayed away from the present, knowing that neither of us wanted to confont that ugly beast. And Then, it was quiet. usually the quiet is disturbing because I'm afraid of my thoughts. But our quiet was perfect. It was the last piece to the puzzle; together we finally put that peice were it belonged and created something neither of us will forget.

Last night was a good night, but i cant happen but think about the reprucussions of my words and actions. Does she think I'm crazy, or does she finally know?