Perfect Start to My B-Day

I step outside to smoke a birthday cigarette. I know they will kill me, but why not? its my birthday. Its 12:08 A.M. I was born later that day some 22 years ago. As I sit patiently smoking, watching the rain my brain turns on. What the Hell, I haven't heard from that bastard for awhile. I'm listening to goodbye's echoed off the apartment walls from nearby girls leaving their boyfriends apartment. I hear car engines turn over, back out, and leave to some unknown destination. The Rain trickles and that smell of being clean drowns out my cigarette. At that moment nothing matters. I am there as an observer, nothing more. Every person, car, railing, chair, everything was exactly were it needed to be. It was a moment of bliss. A moment that has come and gone numerous times in my life. But I always hope it will visit me one more time. You never know when it will come, but when it does you know it has to leave. I thought about many things that night, but after awhile I was tired. I wrestled my way out of the chair and went inside... 22 yrs ago I was born...

The Night We

We were in the same apartment, the same room , the same consciousness, but we were not on the same bed. We sat opposite one another and talked about similarities. We both spoke of the future, and what lies just past the horizon. I was excited because I was graduating. The excitement wasn't because I was done with school, but because I was free again. She spoke of School to come, experiences she couldn't wait to turn into memories. We both spoke of the past, relationships that didn't end when they should have, mistakes we made, mistakes we fixed, and high school. We stayed away from the present, knowing that neither of us wanted to confont that ugly beast. And Then, it was quiet. usually the quiet is disturbing because I'm afraid of my thoughts. But our quiet was perfect. It was the last piece to the puzzle; together we finally put that peice were it belonged and created something neither of us will forget.

Last night was a good night, but i cant happen but think about the reprucussions of my words and actions. Does she think I'm crazy, or does she finally know?

Vegas

I went to Vegas a few weeks ago. The entire trip was plagued with high speed driving, drinking, and cards. Its always dangerous when someone gets behind the wheel with nothing to loose. Its even worse when they believe that everyone else in the car is in the same boat as them. We made it to Vegas, lord only knows how in one peace, and began are night with shots and beer.
I remember thinking that if we keep the pace than none of us are going to make it to midnight.

A walk down the strip reminded me why this is the freak capitol of the world. Luckily I was stoned and drunk, a combination that makes staring at the wall fun. People of all races stumbled around Las Vegas looking for true happiness. A plethora of cultures clashed and a giant orgy commenced, all to keep us freaks entertained. what we will give up for one night at the freak show.

A shock that night was sent my way. One of the blows that knock the wind out of you even though you never were touched. Panic infiltrated my body and I began to loose sight of what the best procedure would be... I lost myself briefly. but later after debunking the trouble and creating peace once again all throughout the creatures and inhabitants of my head, i continued my drinking. I figured madness would be the best method to get to the other end of the weekend.

I arrived at my resting area. the problem was that i had no key. The nimrods behind me were distracted by the sex that floated around the city in abundance. finally, they exploded from an overcrowded elevator and saved me by letting me into the room. Luckily they got there when they did because my brain was staring to play savage tricks on me. They saved me from falling out of line with the puzzle.

A brief reminder why I don't trust humanity was thrown my way as I was tucking myself in for bed. My brain some how tangled and wrestled with this idea and news for the entire night. However, when I awoke it was go time. I figured shit out, got through the fucked up part of the trip and prepared myself for the long, terrifying road home.

What's in a name?

Is Sanity in a name?

Or Conceptualized in your Brain.

Is popularity in a name?

Or are you indigenous to lame.

Is intelligence in a name?

Or, have you snapped and gone insane.

Is Murder in a name?

Or, are you innocent but still to blame.

Is Guilt in a name?

Or, do you ignore the sting of shame.

Is love in a name?

Or, is it despicable like a stain.

Is suicide in a Name?

Or, are you detached from your evolutionary chain.

Ain't Shit in a Name,

except a trap for all your pain.

Religon and the Miltary

The other day (it was Sunday) I was driving home and noticed the lack of colors, that usually floods the streets of Logan. The colors were replaced by solders wearing white shirts and ties marching to a drum beat that I have never been able to hear. The religious soldiers were all going to the same place, moving almost step for step in unison. It reminded me of machines, a thoughtless body marching and never asking why, or where they were going. Well, to Heaven I guess, while the rest of us will go on living and withstanding their attempts to turn us into copies.
Ironically, the other day (it was Sunday) I was reclining at my house, in Sandy, when my younger brother waltzed through the door bragging about how wonderful the military is. He told a story about being forced to make his bed four times until he got it perfect. He continued to tell me about marching and how if you step out of line well... Jesus had it easy. The most amazing part of his entire story was the transformation I witnessed inside of him. He use to think for himself, but now he has turned into a thoughtless body marching and never asking why or where he is going to end up. Heaven I guess, while the rest of us will still be living our lives.
I strongly believe that religion and the military are bureaucracies that were created for specific functions, but both create an externality that is unacceptable for me, and if you read this blog should probably be unacceptable for you. That externality is the stealing of individualism. The coercion to turn all that is infected with their ideology into a conforming, thoughtless citizen. Think for Yourself, don't let others or groups tell you how to live or feel.